i have to get this out… 9 October 2007

it won’t come out [writing]
i’ve tried

and i always see this scary shyt when i write now

i already feel like i’m going to ruin his life.  either i’ll be …
i’m in the process of leaving the school district and then ALL of this Sick shyt comes about
i want to be mean evil ass t again

the “i dont give a flying flippin phuck” t
and need all this shyt on my heart, my chest, my mind to come out like a 10 yr late orgasm and feel just as good but not as short
part of me wants to see the future…and already brace myself for the denial that ensues afterward
I want to be the perfect girlfriend..wife…friend to one of the most wonderful examples of god’s handiwork that i’ve ever had the fortune to meet

i need to be able to breathe…without feelin like imma cry. or curse. or hurt. or wonder. or overanalyze.
i am happy.
but for some reason, happiness hurts.

it’s not fair that he can’t be here with me…like he wants to. like I want him to. and i keep hearing “i love waking up next to you in the morning” and i look over and he’s not there and I get pissed.

nowhere near it [complete]…and i have gotten a taste of it and for once in my life…i WANT to be selfish. NEED to be selfish.

i pray so hard at night it HURTS.