Love is a cruel master. You obey it whether you want to or not. And even then the bitch never seems to be satisfied.

Si & I after Maze feat. Frankie Beverley

I’m a few months behind with this jawn.  So, I’m going to try to at least post 3 times a month to get me back in the swing of things.  I’ve been with my babe for over a year now (yay me!).  I’m also a year older.  I started working on my Master’s of Science in Information Systems. School is okay so far except for my current class. Overall, things aren’t always easy, but I keep managing to make it (with a lil’ help from the big man up dere (or you can insert your deity of choice).  Job status is crazy. Anyone need a full-time..something?

For my birthday/yr anniversary, Si bought floor tickets to the Essence Festival–for two days. Neither one of us had ever been…and it was AWESOME.  If i ever post the pics and video, i’ll link to it for you all to see our baby Jilly from Philly doin it UP with her sisterlocs. I’m not bisexual, but he and I fight over her ALL THE TIME lol. I mean, really: just LOOK at and LISTEN to her. *exhale*

Anyway, more words to come soon.

i roll over and you’re not
there.  no inhale to catch my exhale. 
no smothering me or grabbin my hair
in your sleep.  no pretzels.  no rubbing
my leg with your feet.  no
“i love waking up next to you in the morning..”

and i think it’s just me.

i lay in the bed a lil longer
prayin to fall back asleep.  but
you never show.  no lick up
my back to wake me up.  no ringing
of my doorbell. no knocking at my door.
no key in my lock.  that wasn’t your car i heard.
that wasn’t your door that slammed.
my dunks beside the bed.  my tshirts
& my phone. no nibbles on my lip to
last me until next time.

and…i think it’s just me.

the shower’s running.
but it’s my hair i wash.  my
body i scrub.  that spot on
my back just won’t get reached.
my hair and body i rinse.  my
fro that gets picked.  i know
my sight is bad but my mind
should be clear.

and i think…wonder…if it’s just me.

my bitch won’t let the lil bitch
in me speak up.  i want you.  we’ve
hardly talked the past few days and
you’ve not been over inna week.  not
because you don’t want to.  i knew
of your responsibilities when we got
together. your job, job, and school
won’t allow our kind of needed freedom.
and i’m knowing you’re not happy.  job,
job, and school won’t allow it.  and you’re
so stubborn.  so the bitches in me are
worryin about you. which means i don’t
have time for lil bitch.  i have
a Blessing to support. to keep strong.
there’s only 1 thing….

as my tears write these words…
cause i can’t see my hands anymore,
i realize this:  i’m missing you.

let this/my weakness be our secret.

2007.11.09 @12:44 p.m.

[babe. are you happy?  No...but it has nothing at all to do with us.]

Last night
i lay with my brow upon your lips
each exhale kissed my lids
the
b-beat…b-beat
of your heart pulsed me to sleep while your lips said
“babe…i love you”

we floated on lilac dreams
your voice relaying you
seeing the rest of your life
within my eyes & i’m the
reason/motivation for your faithfulness…

babe…time for you to
rise…and you
pout. and i assure you
that i don’t want
you to leave [just] as much
as you want to stay…

we agree to agree: there’s not
enough time in the day…
so i have the imprint
of your love [bite] upon my lips
to keep me “sated”…until
next time.

2007.10.22

[babe. would you like some muzik? "nah. just you."]

When you look into my eyes
what do you see
[and i mean that honestly, cause}

if i could make myself
be 4 walls...i'd be the
perfect house
you could live in me
and we could be together
anytime you want. hell...
spend the night every day
of the week.

it gives a new meaning to
being "at home". then
again...home is where the heart was.

and i share my home with you.

so when you look into
my eyes, what do you see?
cause if it's walls you see,
i built those with
the rubbish from the walls
you destroyed after you
commandeered my heart.

2007.10.21

[baby...what keeps u faithful? what's your motivation... "you."]

(7:03:30 PM) semloh: my heart hurts.
(7:03:43 PM) Candace: why?
(7:04:58 PM) semloh: it hurts to love him, candace…i hadn’t figured out the why yet
19:05
(7:05:03 PM) semloh: cause i’m just figuring out the what.
(7:05:07 PM) Candace: I understand
(7:05:17 PM) Candace: it can hurt
(7:08:25 PM) semloh: but y?
(7:08:36 PM) semloh: i’m happy…it’s not supposed to hurt when you’re happy right?
(7:08:56 PM) Candace: I don’t think it’s the happiness that causes the hurt…it’s the fear of losing that happiness
19:10
(7:11:05 PM) Candace: or the source of that happiness

will you be my husband
to have & to hold
for happiness and not so happy days
thru ups & downs
in sickness & in health
of mind body & soul
’til we leave this earth &
after….

[my fone rings]
“hey!”
“hey…”
“what’s up?”
“…of course I will dear…”

[damn a ceremony...i just want a "do you & do you"]

There’s gotta be a way…has to be….

Lord…please show ‘Rifa the path that she must follow with this man.  You know where her heart lies…so help her out.  Also, please give Silas & strength, wisdom, and guidance in all things concerning you & our relationship…Give him peace of mind about the decisions he’s having to make…and clarity on the correct one.  Please let me see/know who I need to fire in my life.  It’s time for an October “Spring Cleaning” and I need to make sure I’m booting the right debris…Grant me strength and give me guidance in all things concerning my job & these life decisions that right now seem to have me at a roadblock.  Thank you…and Amen.

PS: Help me BE and DO better…..

I finally get out of the house and get hit on 2-3 times all beginning or ending with: you married?? you got a boyfriend? (yes) Oh. So, you happy? (the happiest i’ve been in a LONG time)

I don’t get it. It used to be enough to tell someone that yes, you are, in fact in SOME kind of relationship…not anymore apparently. THEN…i had a former suitor FINALLY admit to me that he “phucked up”. Got nervous, thought i was TOO nice, was getting TOO close and was waiting for me to be a stalker or some shyt. And now he’s mad….but admits he can’t trip–because i’m VERY happy. So, he sends a message to my hun basically saying that if he [my hun] phucks up then he will be RIGHT there waiting on me and ready to get his second chance.

As soon as I get home and get settled, my fone rings. It’s my hun. and the VERY first thing he says in lieu of saying hello: i miss yo mf’in ass. And I wholeheartedly agreed (i haven’t seen him since damn Monday morning).

I, being the dutiful young lady I am, passed the message along. My hun? Well, he responds: babe, tell him he wasted 3 minutes of his life telling you that cause i ain’t going nowhere.

Damnit, I love that man….