prayer|plead 16 October 2007

There’s gotta be a way…has to be….

Lord…please show ‘Rifa the path that she must follow with this man.  You know where her heart lies…so help her out.  Also, please give Silas & strength, wisdom, and guidance in all things concerning you & our relationship…Give him peace of mind about the decisions he’s having to make…and clarity on the correct one.  Please let me see/know who I need to fire in my life.  It’s time for an October “Spring Cleaning” and I need to make sure I’m booting the right debris…Grant me strength and give me guidance in all things concerning my job & these life decisions that right now seem to have me at a roadblock.  Thank you…and Amen.

PS: Help me BE and DO better…..

Cabin Fever 13 October 2007

I finally get out of the house and get hit on 2-3 times all beginning or ending with: you married?? you got a boyfriend? (yes) Oh. So, you happy? (the happiest i’ve been in a LONG time)

I don’t get it. It used to be enough to tell someone that yes, you are, in fact in SOME kind of relationship…not anymore apparently. THEN…i had a former suitor FINALLY admit to me that he “phucked up”. Got nervous, thought i was TOO nice, was getting TOO close and was waiting for me to be a stalker or some shyt. And now he’s mad….but admits he can’t trip–because i’m VERY happy. So, he sends a message to my hun basically saying that if he [my hun] phucks up then he will be RIGHT there waiting on me and ready to get his second chance.

As soon as I get home and get settled, my fone rings. It’s my hun. and the VERY first thing he says in lieu of saying hello: i miss yo mf’in ass. And I wholeheartedly agreed (i haven’t seen him since damn Monday morning).

I, being the dutiful young lady I am, passed the message along. My hun? Well, he responds: babe, tell him he wasted 3 minutes of his life telling you that cause i ain’t going nowhere.

Damnit, I love that man….

2007.08.27 - Numba 2 13 October 2007

Name: Semloh
Age: 27
Objective: Fall in love again for the first time

My life could exist solely to hold you.
I can’t imagine needin anything more
than that.

I don’t want to need you, but isn’t a
craving just a primal need?

Is it possible to feel loved & lonely at
the same time?

Or “full” for reason you don’t know
why and can’t explain…

The safest place for me is laying
in your
arms.

27 Aug 07 13 October 2007

I found a coupla pieces i wrote back in August that i thought i’d posted…so here you go.

—————————————————–
Something in my mind keeps
reminding me…that I’m not ready
to love again. Or
maybe the problem/issue is
i am too ready…to love…again.

i trust him: completely…truly
madly deeply I [am fallin in]
love him i do. So who am i attempting
to justify this claim to??

i have to get this out… 9 October 2007

it won’t come out [writing]
i’ve tried

and i always see this scary shyt when i write now

i already feel like i’m going to ruin his life.  either i’ll be …
i’m in the process of leaving the school district and then ALL of this Sick shyt comes about
i want to be mean evil ass t again

the “i dont give a flying flippin phuck” t
and need all this shyt on my heart, my chest, my mind to come out like a 10 yr late orgasm and feel just as good but not as short
part of me wants to see the future…and already brace myself for the denial that ensues afterward
I want to be the perfect girlfriend..wife…friend to one of the most wonderful examples of god’s handiwork that i’ve ever had the fortune to meet

i need to be able to breathe…without feelin like imma cry. or curse. or hurt. or wonder. or overanalyze.
i am happy.
but for some reason, happiness hurts.

it’s not fair that he can’t be here with me…like he wants to. like I want him to. and i keep hearing “i love waking up next to you in the morning” and i look over and he’s not there and I get pissed.

nowhere near it [complete]…and i have gotten a taste of it and for once in my life…i WANT to be selfish. NEED to be selfish.

i pray so hard at night it HURTS.

I love hard. 8 October 2007

I’m starting to see that as a damn crime.  I need to find something else to put on my mind other than him.  A hobby…something.  ‘Cause this can’t be healthy.  He holds the key…to everything.  *shrugs* I sometimes envy the fact that he has so much going on.  Don’t mistake it: I don’t think i’m competing for his time…goodness no.  And if I did, that would NOT be fair to him at all.  He’s got a lot on his plate and I am proud of him for it.  I just…love hard.

“Hun, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this old woman?” and the answer was…yes.  Followed by, “why?  Why do you ask that?”  I don’t know anymore if I had a reason or not.  I do know it wasn’t formed from insecurity.  What does it matter anyway.  I’m in love *shrugs* or a reasonable facsimile of it.  Ain’t that some shyt.  I want to pray for him…take some things off his mind…claim things for him…help–not hurt–his thought processes..help him make the right decisions (not out of bias..not solely out of love either)…i just..i just

need.