I mean really, a title? Yeesh….

it won’t come out [writing]
i’ve tried

and i always see this scary shyt when i write now

i already feel like i’m going to ruin his life.  either i’ll be …
i’m in the process of leaving the school district and then ALL of this Sick shyt comes about
i want to be mean evil ass t again

the “i dont give a flying flippin phuck” t
and need all this shyt on my heart, my chest, my mind to come out like a 10 yr late orgasm and feel just as good but not as short
part of me wants to see the future…and already brace myself for the denial that ensues afterward
I want to be the perfect girlfriend..wife…friend to one of the most wonderful examples of god’s handiwork that i’ve ever had the fortune to meet

i need to be able to breathe…without feelin like imma cry. or curse. or hurt. or wonder. or overanalyze.
i am happy.
but for some reason, happiness hurts.

it’s not fair that he can’t be here with me…like he wants to. like I want him to. and i keep hearing “i love waking up next to you in the morning” and i look over and he’s not there and I get pissed.

nowhere near it [complete]…and i have gotten a taste of it and for once in my life…i WANT to be selfish. NEED to be selfish.

i pray so hard at night it HURTS.

I’m starting to see that as a damn crime.  I need to find something else to put on my mind other than him.  A hobby…something.  ‘Cause this can’t be healthy.  He holds the key…to everything.  *shrugs* I sometimes envy the fact that he has so much going on.  Don’t mistake it: I don’t think i’m competing for his time…goodness no.  And if I did, that would NOT be fair to him at all.  He’s got a lot on his plate and I am proud of him for it.  I just…love hard.

“Hun, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this old woman?” and the answer was…yes.  Followed by, “why?  Why do you ask that?”  I don’t know anymore if I had a reason or not.  I do know it wasn’t formed from insecurity.  What does it matter anyway.  I’m in love *shrugs* or a reasonable facsimile of it.  Ain’t that some shyt.  I want to pray for him…take some things off his mind…claim things for him…help–not hurt–his thought processes..help him make the right decisions (not out of bias..not solely out of love either)…i just..i just

need.

and that’s not something I do often, but: Is it a strength?  Or a weakness?  Someone, please let me know….

Babe~

I can’t exactly remember if I sent you the link to this thing or not. If the answer to that is yes (and you are reading this): part of me will wish I hadn’t…and the sensible part of me will be glad I did. There will be things on here that I would never dream of being able to actually VERBALIZE in your presence. Other things you might already know, but I just decided to go more into detail. And then there will be the things that you’ve done…WE’VE done that i just had to get it out because it affected me greatly. … continue reading this entry.

crave      /kreɪv/  verb, craved, crav·ing.
–verb (used with object)
1.    to long for; want greatly; desire eagerly: to crave sweets; to crave affection.
2.    to require; need: a problem craving prompt attention.
3.    to ask earnestly for (something); beg for.
4.    to ask (a person) earnestly for something or to do something.

So, I ask this: is it wrong or possible to crave someone?  No, not feenin’…just a really DEEP longing?  I know I probably won’t get a response, but if you come across this, feel free to leave an answer of sorts.

is too soon to say “I Love You”?

Anyone…feel free to answer.